If you come across an abandoned house in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere, don't be stupid and decide to spend the night, or look for a phone. Now why in hell would an abandoned house have a working telephone?! Who do you think has been paying the phone bill, the weeds? I think not! If the phone does work, the place is obviously not abandoned.
As was the case in the movie Plasterhead, don't waltz up to a house that is rumoured to be that of a killer's, find that the door is open, the house empty, and then go ahead and invite yourself in! Let's forget, for a moment, that you are in a horror film; inviting yourself into a stranger's house, bringing in your belongings and friends, even taking a shower is just being a rude penis! Who raised you? Christopher Columbus?!
Then when a cop comes a-knockin', don't flat-out lie to the guy and claim that this is your aunt's house! Really, it's your aunt's house? And no one in the small town has noticed a woman living in the house said to be that of a maniac? Right. Also, when the cop offers to escort you to the highway, don't refuse and say you'll just be staying the night in the house! Rude!
Now when you go into town and ask around for a gas station and the townsfolk start telling you stories about how some psychotic killer lives in the very house you waltzed into, don't brush it off and insist that you're still going to sleep there! No! You will not sleep there because you will be dead before you have dreams!
2. Don't toy with methods of paranormal communication.
What is wrong with you?! Yes, you! The one playing around with the ouija board, or holding a séance in your dorms! Why do you want to bring spirits into this world? Spirits you don't even know? That's like leaving your door open in the middle of the world and just letting anybody come skipping through. You just don't do it! Let's think of this from a non-horror point of view: you're tearing someone away from their deadly slumber to come play charades with you.
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| Rude. |
People who tend to be doing these little séances? Uninformed doofs. As in the movie Séance (appropriate), the kids were performing a séance in order to rid their elevator (just use the stairs!) and bathrooms of a creepy, ghost girl. She was a bit of a pervert, I suppose. What they didn't realize, as the crabby loner in the other dorm-room informed the main girl, is that they were summoning the killer ghost into their midst! As the guy said, séances are meant for summoning spirits that aren't already there. Oh, now you've done it!
3. When you gain the upper-hand, finish them.
You're terrified out of your wits because an insane killer is on the loose and is picking you all off one by one because of your group's nutty, Scooby-Doo split-up antics. It's understandable that your "flight or fight" response is wishing it had freaking wings right now, but you must remember this: if you get rid of the threat once and for all, you won't have to spend the rest of the movie, or the rest of your life, looking over your shoulder!
You see it all the time in horror films. The victim manages to punch the killer to the floor, or stab them in the leg, but instead of continuing the assault... they run away. You just gave the killer a bruise to the face, or a knife wound to the toes; that does not mean they're going to leave you alone! They are not thinking, "Oh, damn, she just punched me in the mask, I guess she wins! I quit!" They are far from incapacitated from your feeble retaliation. If anything, you just made them angrier. You get that guy on the floor, you finish the job! Then you can walk away from the ordeal without fear, or worry, that the killer is going to suddenly be in the back of your car or something. The threat is gone because the threat is dead.
What NOT to Do:
What You SHOULD Do:
4. Listen to The "Weird" One.
A lot of these horror movies tend to have the one "strange" character. If the person isn't strange, they at least have a strange knack for all things paranormal. Often, this character will try to warn the others when something is wrong, telling them to either stop what they're doing, or run far, far away. You would listen, right? If you answered anything other than "yes" to that question, you are so dead.
Usually, when this character tries to warn everyone, what are they met with? "Stop being such a scaredy-cat!" "Nothing is going to happen!" "Don't listen to him/her, haha! Chill out!" "Calm yo' tits!" No! The one who knows about séances, or the one who knows all about this hocus-pocus stuff is saying, "No bueno!" Listen! It's like laughing at a cop and then running into gunfire because silly cop doesn't know what he's talking about!
5. Don't Split Up!
There is safety in numbers! Ten people can take on one person a lot more effectively than one or two people can. Why do people insist on splitting up anyway? To cover more ground? A good lot of help that will do you! You're trying to survive, not conduct a search party!
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| You and your ascot can fuck right off, Fred! |
6. Don't Let Pride Get In The Way of Your Survival.
So, big guy, you can take care of that demon in your home all by yourself, eh? You don't need to call in a priest to make it go away because you have too much pride, huh? Yeah, you're The Man of this house and this is your territory and you will defend it yourself! That demon will run away with its tail between its legs once you're through with it!
No. You're going to die because you have no idea what you're doing, do you?
In the movie Paranormal Activity, Micah is King of the Stubborn. SPOILERS: Micah's pride gets in the way of banishing the demon that has been following his girlfriend, Katie, since childhood. Katie continuously begs him to just call in the pros, but he resists. Oh, no, he can take care of it when no one else has been able to do so. No, he certainly knows more about the situation than his girlfriend, who has been dealing with the thing longer than she's even known him. Yep, his stubbornness basically kills them both.
Damn, Micah, you mean you didn't scare away the scary Demon Man with your camera and baby powder??
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| The powdery horror! |
7. Run First, Ask Questions Later.
Someone comes running to you, screaming that someone is dead. They yell that you all need to run and get out of the area as soon as possible. What do you do?
A) Do as they say and run for your life.
B) Stop this person from running and demand they explain everything before you do anything.
Which was your answer? I hope it was A. If it wasn't... dude...
In the movie Death On Demand, after the killer ghost has arrived and started offing all the people in the house, a woman runs down the stairs, meets a couple and screams that they need to get out of there because the other girl is dead. She then commences clawing at the boarded up exit in a desperate attempt to flee. Do these two listen? Do they begin to join her feverish atempt to claw down the door? Yes? You're funny.
Nope. The guy grabs her, stops her, and repeatedly asks her what's wrong and what she's talking about. Guy! Is her frantic screaming not a good enough reason for you?! This is no time to have a nice little tea party as you chat about how there's a killer and mutliple dead bodies in the same house you're in! When things like this happen, you don't stop a person and interrogate them, and you certainly don't continue to demand they show you what they're yelling about! Gees...
8. Just Use Your Common Sense!
If you hear that there is a killer on the loose, don't take that as your cue to throw a party in an abandoned barn. When you get attacked, you call the police, not run inside, lock the door and hang out in your tub all night. When you hear blatant footsteps, or man-made noises, in the house you are supposed to be alone in, don't call out, "Hello?!" Er, the person is not going to answer back with a, "Oh, hey! Just me, the killer, lurking around. Doing stuff. Sorry I startled you with my footsteps and ominous silhouette." No! If you are by yourself, do you really think anything friendly is in your house without your knowledge? Do you really think some swell fellow just decided to sneak into your house for some tea time? Don't think so!
And unless you have a fire-escape, or a bat-cave, on your upper floors, do not run upstairs! You are trapping yourself. Unless you believe you can evolve into a flying squirrel, you are not leaving that place alive, unless you hop out a window and pray you don't damage your getaway legs.
In the movie High Lane, don't do what the characters did and go rock-climbing on a closed trail! Really, guys? Really.
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| You're gonna die, man. |
Call the cops! They have guns! They at least have those nifty batons! They are much better equipped to handle Mr. Mask Face than you are.
